[Tradjazz] Clarinetist Looking for Work

[Bruce McNichols]

I had seen this (below) a while ago and I thoroughly enjoyed every bit of it. When I discussed it, with a fellow musician, he informed me that IT'S NOT A JOKE.  It's a real message from a real player (who shall remain nameless).

I still enjoy it, but I'm no longer laughing.  It's more like: I'm shaking my head - slowly.
  I wonder if this guy, ever works.
McN


      To: dixielandjazz at ml.islandnet.com, jazzmusiciansforum at JazzMusiciansForum.talklist.com, tradjazz at list.okom.com  
      Subject: [Tradjazz] Clarinetist Looking for Work  
      Date: Tue, 3 Oct 2006 09:47:14 -0400  
      From: RICK KNITTEL <knittelsportland at juno.com>   
     

      This message is in MIME format. Since your mail reader does not understand this format, some or all of this message may not be legible. 
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      Rick Knittel - The Maine Street Paraders
      37 Ship Channel Road; South Portland, Maine 04106-5136
      Bus phone; (207)-741-2407; fax 2409; Cell: (207)-233-3480; Home; (207)-799-6382
      E-mail; Knittelsportland at juno.com; Winter (mid Jan to mid April) Office; 
      7657 Bergamo Ave; Sarasota, FL 34238-4765; Phone/Fax; (941)-924-5186

      Clarinetist Looking for Work

      16+ year's professional experience. Specializing in serious presentations of pre-WWII traditions of clarinet performance including New Orleans Jazz, Brazilian Choro, and French West Indian Biguine. Large repertoire of jazz
      standards.   Reading OK, Travel OK,  Basic linguistic skills in French, German, and Italian.  No drugs, health problems, or dietary limitations. Union member in good standing.  No social, political, or religious affiliations.   Doubles on alto or tenor saxophone negotiable. 

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      (I own a soprano, but in accordance with well-established codes of gentlemanly conduct, I do not play one.) 
      PLEASE DO NOT RESPOND to this message IF: 

        a.. Your band, concert, or project name uses rhyme, alliteration, puns, 
        animal names, or includes any of the following words or their variants: 
        Swingers, Strutters, Stompers, Ramblers, Hot, Dixieland, Tribute, or Legacy. 
        [For example: Dixie Dogs of Des Moines, Hot Jumpin' Jazz Lizards, The Four-Skinny-Minnies Swing Band, Down-Home-Ragtimers Tribute to Wilbur Sweatman, etc.]   The use of All-Stars' is negotiable provided some team sport or athletic activity is involved; 
        b.. Your dress code or group's uniform includes ANY of the following: 
        White pants or shoes, suspenders, matching golf shirts, matching blazers, or any type of hats. Anything made of polyester is out of the question, and as a friend in the fashion industry says, 'Denim is just never a good idea.' 
        I also require assurance that the performance will not be within 50 yards 
        of a garter, striped vest, bowler hat, straw boater, feather boa or anything with sequins; 
        c.. Your rhythm section includes electric keyboard and/or bass guitar. 
        Washboard is negotiable in the proper context, although offhand I have no idea what that would be; 
        d.. You or any of your band members have a spouse or girlfriend who sings, purports to sing, or so much as threatens to sing; 
        e.. Anyone involved in your proposed performance attempts a 'scat' vocal 
        f.. More than half of the selections in a typical program consist of vocal numbers or are limited to the keys of Bb and F.   Gospel programs are an acceptable exception, but the singer better be damned brilliant;  
        g.. Your program includes any of the following:  note-for-note transcriptions, sing-alongs, or banjo features.  Furthermore, if there is tuba or sousaphone their solos must be limited to a maximum of one per set and may never exceed two choruses;  
        h.. At anytime during your performance, parasols are deployed. Legitimate second-lines are the ONLY exception, in which case an additional 25% for strolling/marching applies; 
        i.. Your proposed venue spends more on sound reinforcement or amplification than artist fees. 
        j.. Compensation for your job includes ANY of the following: All the beer you can drink, a free meal, good publicity or exposure, or bringing a spouse girlfriend, or companion for free.  Thank you in advance for your consideration. --

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