[Tradjazz] Tradjazz Digest, Vol 10, Issue 10

[Bud Black]

Here's a few tidbits.

A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a
musician." 
She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both." 

Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm? 
A: A tattoo. 
 
Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion? 
A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo. 
 
Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control? 
A: Their personalities. 
 
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test? 
A: Saliva. 
 
Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend? 
A: Homeless. 
 
Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher? 
A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept. 
 
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner? 
A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks. 
 
Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players? 
A: It saves time in the long run. 
 
Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza? 
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four. 
 
Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet? 
A: About three decibels. 
 
Q: What is another term for trombone? 
A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator. 
 
Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist? 
A: A bad oboist can kill you. 
 
Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard? 
A: So they can park in the handicapped zones when they forget their 
Special tags. 
 
Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull? 
A: Lipstick. 
 
Q: Why do people play trombone? 
A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time. 
 
Q: How does a violist's brain cell die? 
A: Alone. 
 
Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords? 
A: A music critic. 
 
Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen? 
A: Put it in a viola case. 
 
Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a Chainsaw? 
A: You can tune a Chainsaw. 
 
Q: What will you never say about a banjo player? 
A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche." 
 
Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common? 
A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed. 
 
Q: Why are harps like elderly parents? 
A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars. 
 
Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway? 
A: Seven - if sliced thin and you lay them out correctly. 
 
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon? 
A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon. 
 
Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike? 
A: Both command immediate attention, alarm, and force everyone to move out 
Of range. 
 
Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant? 
A: Eleven pounds. 
 
Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning? 
A: They rarely strike the same spot twice. 
 
Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb? 
A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can 
Do that!" 
 
Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?" 
Friend: "I hope so." 
 
Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek? 
A: Some conductors actually read Greek. 
 
Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend. 
 
Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus? 
A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom. 
 
Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure and unwitting 
Orchestra 
Player to become a soloist. 
 
Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it 
Again. 
 
Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong 
Pitch. 
 
Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed? 
 
Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door? 
A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in. 
 
Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison? 
A: Hand them charts a half-step apart. 
 
Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead 
Trombonist in the road? 
A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig. 
 
Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians? 
A: A vocalist. 
 
Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer? 
A: Place a sheet of music in front of him. 
 
Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your 
  back yard? 
A: Stop laughing and shoot again. 
 
Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb? 
A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!! 
 
Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Not You, ME!! 
 
Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor? 
A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn. 
 
Q: What do all great conductors have in common? 
A: They're all dead. 
 
Q: What's the definition of optimism? 
A: A bass trombonist with a DOUBLE trigger attachment AND a beeper. 
 
Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player? 
A: Back up and make SURE. 
 
Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car? 
A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof 
 
Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree? 
A: Yell "don't do it!" and hurry to cut the rope. 
 
Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player? 
A: His amp. 
 
Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune? 
A: Shoot two of them. 
 
Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band? OR a conductor and an 
orchestra? 
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back. 
 
Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb? 
A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and pretend the world revolves 
around them. 
 
Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb? 
A: None, they have machines for that now. 
 
Q: How can you tell if the stage is level? 
A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth. 
 
Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch? 
A: Pay him for the pizza. 
 
Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree? 
A: Night manager at McDonalds. 
 
Q: Why are violas larger than violins? 
A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller. 
 
Q: How are trumpet players like pirates? 
A: They're both commit murder on the high Cs. 
 
 

Bud Black 
 
-------Original Message-------
 
From: Steve Barbone
Date: 5/26/2007 11:40:33 AM
To: tradjazz at list.okom.com
Subject: Re: [Tradjazz] Tradjazz Digest, Vol 10, Issue 10
 
"bill" <sylvia1 at ptd.net> wrote
 
> Hi Folks,
>
> I'm a newbie, trying to finally understand the nuances of some of your
> (PLURAL) cracks/ jokes "disses" among the Trad Jazz musicians concerning
the
> "B- - - busting that goes on and apparently has gone on over the ages. I
play
> nothing, but used to.... in junior HS...I have, during the past 4 years,
been
> exposed to some of the very good people involved in this genre and
sometimes
> haven't "gotten the jokes".  Please humor me, I'm not stupid, but I didn't
to
> realize that apparently, any banjo player or  a lengthy drum solo seems to
be
> the easiest and most prevalent targets.  I wanna get all of the jokes.  I
> heard recently, that a sop sax was called a fish horn.  Bill Taggart
explained
> that insult to me.  I want to fit in and not just laugh to be polite. 
Would
> all of you(some of you) (any of you) (1 of you) (my mother) please teach
me or
> give me a few stories about this subject.  I really haven't heard about
> insults  to  brass  players or piano players... Please treat me (as I am)
as
> if I know none of these jokes or "chop busting among the pro's".   Thanks.
>
> I really cant wait to hear your stories.
>
>
> Rookie, but love it.
>
> Grant
 
Lots of great stories out there. A couple I like involve long solos.
 
>From Charlie Parker: "If you take more than 4 choruses, you're just
practicing."
 
>From Miles Davis to John Coltrane when Trane said: "I don't know how to end
my solos." (Trane being known to take very long solos)
 
"Just take the f***ing horn out of your mouth."
 
Another is the continuing story about why trumpet players are a little
crazy. "Because the back pressure of blowing through that little mouthpiece
raises hell with their brains."
 
Another is the nickname for trombone; "Slush Pump".
 
I think put downs are a form of camaraderie among jazz musicians. Some
tongue in cheek, some biting.
 
Cheers,
Steve Barbone
 
 
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