[Tradjazz] Tradjazz Digest, Vol 10, Issue 10

Tue May 29 20:35:43 EDT 2007

Bud,

You are very cruel.  Accurate, but cruel.

Being a banjo player and a sop sax man, I sometimes think that I've heard
'em all.  Reading your message, I realize that "there's always 'another
one'."

Of course, it always seems to be a toss-up as to whether or not these should
be "drummer jokes," "trombonist jokes," violist jokes," or who knows what?

BILL G.:  I hope you're happy now.

McN

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
----- Original Message -----
From: "Bud Black" <banjobud at cfl.rr.com>
To: <tradjazz at list.okom.com>
Sent: Saturday, May 26, 2007 2:44 PM
Subject: Re: [Tradjazz] Tradjazz Digest, Vol 10, Issue 10

> Here's a few tidbits.
>
> A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a
> musician."
> She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
>
> Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
> A: A tattoo.
>
> Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
> A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
>
> Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
> A: Their personalities.
>
> Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
> A: Saliva.
>
> Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
> A: Homeless.
>
> Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
> A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
>
> Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
> A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
>
> Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
> A: It saves time in the long run.
>
> Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
> A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
>
> Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
> A: About three decibels.
>
> Q: What is another term for trombone?
> A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
>
> Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
> A: A bad oboist can kill you.
>
> Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
> A: So they can park in the handicapped zones when they forget their
> Special tags.
>
> Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
> A: Lipstick.
>
> Q: Why do people play trombone?
> A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
>
> Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
> A: Alone.
>
> Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
> A: A music critic.
>
> Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
> A: Put it in a viola case.
>
> Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a Chainsaw?
> A: You can tune a Chainsaw.
>
> Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
> A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."
>
> Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
> A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
>
> Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
> A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
>
> Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
> A: Seven - if sliced thin and you lay them out correctly.
>
> Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
> A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
>
> Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
> A: Both command immediate attention, alarm, and force everyone to move out
> Of range.
>
> Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
> A: Eleven pounds.
>
> Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
> A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
>
> Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
> A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can
> Do that!"
>
> Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
> Friend: "I hope so."
>
> Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
> A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
>
> Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.
>
> Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
> A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
>
> Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure and unwitting
> Orchestra
> Player to become a soloist.
>
> Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find it
> Again.
>
> Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong
> Pitch.
>
> Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors noticed?
>
> Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
> A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
>
> Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
> A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.
>
> Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead
> Trombonist in the road?
> A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.
>
> Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
> A: A vocalist.
>
> Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
> A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.
>
> Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your
>   back yard?
> A: Stop laughing and shoot again.
>
> Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
> A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!
>
> Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Not You, ME!!
>
> Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
> A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.
>
> Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
> A: They're all dead.
>
> Q: What's the definition of optimism?
> A: A bass trombonist with a DOUBLE trigger attachment AND a beeper.
>
> Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
> A: Back up and make SURE.
>
> Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
> A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof
>
> Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
> A: Yell "don't do it!" and hurry to cut the rope.
>
> Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
> A: His amp.
>
> Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
> A: Shoot two of them.
>
> Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band? OR a conductor and an
> orchestra?
> A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
>
> Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
> A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and pretend the world revolves
> around them.
>
> Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
> A: None, they have machines for that now.
>
> Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
> A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.
>
> Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
> A: Pay him for the pizza.
>
> Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
> A: Night manager at McDonalds.
>
> Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
> A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.
>
> Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?
> A: They're both commit murder on the high Cs.
>
>
>
> Bud Black
>
> -------Original Message-------
>
> From: Steve Barbone
> Date: 5/26/2007 11:40:33 AM
> To: tradjazz at list.okom.com
> Subject: Re: [Tradjazz] Tradjazz Digest, Vol 10, Issue 10
>
> "bill" <sylvia1 at ptd.net> wrote
>
> > Hi Folks,
> >
> > I'm a newbie, trying to finally understand the nuances of some of your
> > (PLURAL) cracks/ jokes "disses" among the Trad Jazz musicians concerning
> the
> > "B- - - busting that goes on and apparently has gone on over the ages. I
> play
> > nothing, but used to.... in junior HS...I have, during the past 4 years,
> been
> > exposed to some of the very good people involved in this genre and
> sometimes
> > haven't "gotten the jokes".  Please humor me, I'm not stupid, but I
didn't
> to
> > realize that apparently, any banjo player or  a lengthy drum solo seems
to
> be
> > the easiest and most prevalent targets.  I wanna get all of the jokes.
I
> > heard recently, that a sop sax was called a fish horn.  Bill Taggart
> explained
> > that insult to me.  I want to fit in and not just laugh to be polite.
> Would
> > all of you(some of you) (any of you) (1 of you) (my mother) please teach
> me or
> > give me a few stories about this subject.  I really haven't heard about
> > insults  to  brass  players or piano players... Please treat me (as I
am)
> as
> > if I know none of these jokes or "chop busting among the pro's".
Thanks.
> >
> > I really cant wait to hear your stories.
> >
> >
> > Rookie, but love it.
> >
> > Grant
>
> Lots of great stories out there. A couple I like involve long solos.
>
> >From Charlie Parker: "If you take more than 4 choruses, you're just
> practicing."
>
> >From Miles Davis to John Coltrane when Trane said: "I don't know how to
end
> my solos." (Trane being known to take very long solos)
>
> "Just take the f***ing horn out of your mouth."
>
> Another is the continuing story about why trumpet players are a little
> crazy. "Because the back pressure of blowing through that little
mouthpiece
> raises hell with their brains."
>
> Another is the nickname for trombone; "Slush Pump".
>
> I think put downs are a form of camaraderie among jazz musicians. Some
> tongue in cheek, some biting.
>
> Cheers,
> Steve Barbone
>
>
> _______________________________________________
> Tradjazz mailing list
> Tradjazz at list.okom.com
> http://list.okom.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/tradjazz
>
> _______________________________________________
> Tradjazz mailing list
> Tradjazz at list.okom.com
> http://list.okom.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/tradjazz