[Tradjazz] Tradjazz Digest, Vol 10, Issue 10

Wed May 30 19:47:02 EDT 2007

OK Bruce the most important one of all:

Q. What's the difference between superannuation and a musician?

A. Superannuation matures and makes a bit of money!!

Stewart Binsted
www.jugalugstringband.com

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Bruce McNichols" <muskrat at bestweb.net>
To: <tradjazz at list.okom.com>
Sent: Wednesday, May 30, 2007 10:35 AM
Subject: Re: [Tradjazz] Tradjazz Digest, Vol 10, Issue 10

> Bud,
>
> You are very cruel.  Accurate, but cruel.
>
> Being a banjo player and a sop sax man, I sometimes think that I've heard
> 'em all.  Reading your message, I realize that "there's always 'another
> one'."
>
> Of course, it always seems to be a toss-up as to whether or not these 
> should
> be "drummer jokes," "trombonist jokes," violist jokes," or who knows what?
>
> BILL G.:  I hope you're happy now.
>
> McN
>
>
> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Bud Black" <banjobud at cfl.rr.com>
> To: <tradjazz at list.okom.com>
> Sent: Saturday, May 26, 2007 2:44 PM
> Subject: Re: [Tradjazz] Tradjazz Digest, Vol 10, Issue 10
>
>
>> Here's a few tidbits.
>>
>> A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a
>> musician."
>> She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
>>
>> Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
>> A: A tattoo.
>>
>> Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
>> A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
>>
>> Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
>> A: Their personalities.
>>
>> Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
>> A: Saliva.
>>
>> Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
>> A: Homeless.
>>
>> Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
>> A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
>>
>> Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
>> A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
>>
>> Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
>> A: It saves time in the long run.
>>
>> Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
>> A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
>>
>> Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
>> A: About three decibels.
>>
>> Q: What is another term for trombone?
>> A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
>>
>> Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
>> A: A bad oboist can kill you.
>>
>> Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
>> A: So they can park in the handicapped zones when they forget their
>> Special tags.
>>
>> Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
>> A: Lipstick.
>>
>> Q: Why do people play trombone?
>> A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same time.
>>
>> Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
>> A: Alone.
>>
>> Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
>> A: A music critic.
>>
>> Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
>> A: Put it in a viola case.
>>
>> Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a Chainsaw?
>> A: You can tune a Chainsaw.
>>
>> Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
>> A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."
>>
>> Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
>> A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
>>
>> Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
>> A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
>>
>> Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
>> A: Seven - if sliced thin and you lay them out correctly.
>>
>> Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
>> A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
>>
>> Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
>> A: Both command immediate attention, alarm, and force everyone to move 
>> out
>> Of range.
>>
>> Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby elephant?
>> A: Eleven pounds.
>>
>> Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
>> A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
>>
>> Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
>> A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can
>> Do that!"
>>
>> Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
>> Friend: "I hope so."
>>
>> Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
>> A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
>>
>> Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.
>>
>> Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
>> A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
>>
>> Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure and unwitting
>> Orchestra
>> Player to become a soloist.
>>
>> Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find 
>> it
>> Again.
>>
>> Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong
>> Pitch.
>>
>> Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors 
>> noticed?
>>
>> Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
>> A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
>>
>> Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
>> A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.
>>
>> Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead
>> Trombonist in the road?
>> A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.
>>
>> Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
>> A: A vocalist.
>>
>> Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
>> A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.
>>
>> Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your
>>   back yard?
>> A: Stop laughing and shoot again.
>>
>> Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
>> A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!
>>
>> Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Not You, ME!!
>>
>> Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
>> A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.
>>
>> Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
>> A: They're all dead.
>>
>> Q: What's the definition of optimism?
>> A: A bass trombonist with a DOUBLE trigger attachment AND a beeper.
>>
>> Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
>> A: Back up and make SURE.
>>
>> Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
>> A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof
>>
>> Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
>> A: Yell "don't do it!" and hurry to cut the rope.
>>
>> Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
>> A: His amp.
>>
>> Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
>> A: Shoot two of them.
>>
>> Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band? OR a conductor and an
>> orchestra?
>> A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
>>
>> Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
>> A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and pretend the world 
>> revolves
>> around them.
>>
>> Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
>> A: None, they have machines for that now.
>>
>> Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
>> A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.
>>
>> Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
>> A: Pay him for the pizza.
>>
>> Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
>> A: Night manager at McDonalds.
>>
>> Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
>> A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.
>>
>> Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?
>> A: They're both commit murder on the high Cs.
>>
>>
>>
>> Bud Black
>>
>> -------Original Message-------
>>
>> From: Steve Barbone
>> Date: 5/26/2007 11:40:33 AM
>> To: tradjazz at list.okom.com
>> Subject: Re: [Tradjazz] Tradjazz Digest, Vol 10, Issue 10
>>
>> "bill" <sylvia1 at ptd.net> wrote
>>
>> > Hi Folks,
>> >
>> > I'm a newbie, trying to finally understand the nuances of some of your
>> > (PLURAL) cracks/ jokes "disses" among the Trad Jazz musicians 
>> > concerning
>> the
>> > "B- - - busting that goes on and apparently has gone on over the ages. 
>> > I
>> play
>> > nothing, but used to.... in junior HS...I have, during the past 4 
>> > years,
>> been
>> > exposed to some of the very good people involved in this genre and
>> sometimes
>> > haven't "gotten the jokes".  Please humor me, I'm not stupid, but I
> didn't
>> to
>> > realize that apparently, any banjo player or  a lengthy drum solo seems
> to
>> be
>> > the easiest and most prevalent targets.  I wanna get all of the jokes.
> I
>> > heard recently, that a sop sax was called a fish horn.  Bill Taggart
>> explained
>> > that insult to me.  I want to fit in and not just laugh to be polite.
>> Would
>> > all of you(some of you) (any of you) (1 of you) (my mother) please 
>> > teach
>> me or
>> > give me a few stories about this subject.  I really haven't heard about
>> > insults  to  brass  players or piano players... Please treat me (as I
> am)
>> as
>> > if I know none of these jokes or "chop busting among the pro's".
> Thanks.
>> >
>> > I really cant wait to hear your stories.
>> >
>> >
>> > Rookie, but love it.
>> >
>> > Grant
>>
>> Lots of great stories out there. A couple I like involve long solos.
>>
>> >From Charlie Parker: "If you take more than 4 choruses, you're just
>> practicing."
>>
>> >From Miles Davis to John Coltrane when Trane said: "I don't know how to
> end
>> my solos." (Trane being known to take very long solos)
>>
>> "Just take the f***ing horn out of your mouth."
>>
>> Another is the continuing story about why trumpet players are a little
>> crazy. "Because the back pressure of blowing through that little
> mouthpiece
>> raises hell with their brains."
>>
>> Another is the nickname for trombone; "Slush Pump".
>>
>> I think put downs are a form of camaraderie among jazz musicians. Some
>> tongue in cheek, some biting.
>>
>> Cheers,
>> Steve Barbone
>>
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>> Tradjazz mailing list
>> Tradjazz at list.okom.com
>> http://list.okom.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/tradjazz
>>
>> _______________________________________________
>> Tradjazz mailing list
>> Tradjazz at list.okom.com
>> http://list.okom.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/tradjazz
>
>
>
> _______________________________________________
> Tradjazz mailing list
> Tradjazz at list.okom.com
> http://list.okom.com/cgi-bin/mailman/listinfo/tradjazz
>
>
> -- 
> No virus found in this incoming message.
> Checked by AVG Free Edition.
> Version: 7.5.472 / Virus Database: 269.8.3/824 - Release Date: 29/05/2007 
> 1:01 PM
>
> 