[Tradjazz] Tradjazz Digest, Vol 10, Issue 10

Thu May 31 19:14:24 EDT 2007

Stewart : Thankyou for this laugh-for-the-day. A new version of the old 
theme.
                    Trevor
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Stewart Binsted" <sbinsted at bigpond.net.au>
To: <tradjazz at list.okom.com>
Sent: Thursday, May 31, 2007 9:47 AM
Subject: Re: [Tradjazz] Tradjazz Digest, Vol 10, Issue 10


> OK Bruce the most important one of all:
>
> Q. What's the difference between superannuation and a musician?
>
> A. Superannuation matures and makes a bit of money!!
>
> Stewart Binsted
> www.jugalugstringband.com
>
>
>
>
> ----- Original Message ----- 
> From: "Bruce McNichols" <muskrat at bestweb.net>
> To: <tradjazz at list.okom.com>
> Sent: Wednesday, May 30, 2007 10:35 AM
> Subject: Re: [Tradjazz] Tradjazz Digest, Vol 10, Issue 10
>
>
>> Bud,
>>
>> You are very cruel.  Accurate, but cruel.
>>
>> Being a banjo player and a sop sax man, I sometimes think that I've heard
>> 'em all.  Reading your message, I realize that "there's always 'another
>> one'."
>>
>> Of course, it always seems to be a toss-up as to whether or not these
>> should
>> be "drummer jokes," "trombonist jokes," violist jokes," or who knows 
>> what?
>>
>> BILL G.:  I hope you're happy now.
>>
>> McN
>>
>>
>> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>> XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "Bud Black" <banjobud at cfl.rr.com>
>> To: <tradjazz at list.okom.com>
>> Sent: Saturday, May 26, 2007 2:44 PM
>> Subject: Re: [Tradjazz] Tradjazz Digest, Vol 10, Issue 10
>>
>>
>>> Here's a few tidbits.
>>>
>>> A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a
>>> musician."
>>> She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
>>>
>>> Q: What do you call a beautiful woman on a trombonist's arm?
>>> A: A tattoo.
>>>
>>> Q: What's the difference between a banjo and an onion?
>>> A: Nobody cries when you chop up a banjo.
>>>
>>> Q: What do clarinetists use for birth control?
>>> A: Their personalities.
>>>
>>> Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. Test?
>>> A: Saliva.
>>>
>>> Q: What do you call a guitar player without a girlfriend?
>>> A: Homeless.
>>>
>>> Q: What's the similarity between a drummer and a philosopher?
>>> A: They both perceive time as an abstract concept.
>>>
>>> Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a vacuum cleaner?
>>> A: You have to plug one of them in before it sucks.
>>>
>>> Q: Why do some people have an instant aversion to banjo players?
>>> A: It saves time in the long run.
>>>
>>> Q: What's the difference between a folk guitar player and a large pizza?
>>> A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
>>>
>>> Q: What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
>>> A: About three decibels.
>>>
>>> Q: What is another term for trombone?
>>> A: A wind driven, manually operated, pitch approximator.
>>>
>>> Q: What's the difference between a SCUD missile and a bad oboist?
>>> A: A bad oboist can kill you.
>>>
>>> Q: Why do clarinetists leave their cases on the dashboard?
>>> A: So they can park in the handicapped zones when they forget their
>>> Special tags.
>>>
>>> Q: What's the difference between an opera singer and a pit bull?
>>> A: Lipstick.
>>>
>>> Q: Why do people play trombone?
>>> A: Because they can't move their fingers and read music at the same 
>>> time.
>>>
>>> Q: How does a violist's brain cell die?
>>> A: Alone.
>>>
>>> Q: What do you call a guitar player that only knows two chords?
>>> A: A music critic.
>>>
>>> Q: How do you keep your violin from being stolen?
>>> A: Put it in a viola case.
>>>
>>> Q: What's the difference between a saxophone and a Chainsaw?
>>> A: You can tune a Chainsaw.
>>>
>>> Q: What will you never say about a banjo player?
>>> A: "That's the banjo player's Porsche."
>>>
>>> Q: What do a viola and a lawsuit have in common?
>>> A: Everyone is relieved when the case is closed.
>>>
>>> Q: Why are harps like elderly parents?
>>> A: Both are unforgiving and hard to get into and out of cars.
>>>
>>> Q: How many trumpet players does it take to pave a driveway?
>>> A: Seven - if sliced thin and you lay them out correctly.
>>>
>>> Q: What's the difference between an oboe and a bassoon?
>>> A: You can hit a baseball further with a bassoon.
>>>
>>> Q: How are a banjo player and a blind javelin thrower alike?
>>> A: Both command immediate attention, alarm, and force everyone to move
>>> out
>>> Of range.
>>>
>>> Q: What's the difference between a Wagnerian soprano and a baby 
>>> elephant?
>>> A: Eleven pounds.
>>>
>>> Q: Why are violist's fingers like lightning?
>>> A: They rarely strike the same spot twice.
>>>
>>> Q: How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
>>> A: 13 - one to do it, and twelve to stand around and say, "Phhhwt! I can
>>> Do that!"
>>>
>>> Tuba Player: "Did you hear my last recital?"
>>> Friend: "I hope so."
>>>
>>> Q: What's the difference between alto clef and Greek?
>>> A: Some conductors actually read Greek.
>>>
>>> Relative minor: A guitarist's girlfriend.
>>>
>>> Q: How does a young man become a member of a high school chorus?
>>> A: On the first day of school he turns into the wrong classroom.
>>>
>>> Subito piano: Indicates an opportunity for some obscure and unwitting
>>> Orchestra
>>> Player to become a soloist.
>>>
>>> Musica ficta: When you lose your place and have to bluff until you find
>>> it
>>> Again.
>>>
>>> Vibrato: Used by singers to hide the fact that they are on the wrong
>>> Pitch.
>>>
>>> Did you hear about the Tenor who was so arrogant the other Tenors
>>> noticed?
>>>
>>> Q: How can you tell when a singer is at your door?
>>> A: They can't find the key, and they never know when to come in.
>>>
>>> Q: How do you get two bass players to play in unison?
>>> A: Hand them charts a half-step apart.
>>>
>>> Q: What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road, and a dead
>>> Trombonist in the road?
>>> A: There's a remote chance the chicken was on its way to a gig.
>>>
>>> Q: What do you call someone who hangs around with musicians?
>>> A: A vocalist.
>>>
>>> Q: How do you get a guitarist to play softer?
>>> A: Place a sheet of music in front of him.
>>>
>>> Q: What do you do if you see a bleeding drummer running around in your
>>>   back yard?
>>> A: Stop laughing and shoot again.
>>>
>>> Q: How many 2nd violinists does it take to change a light bulb?
>>> A: None, they can't get up that high !!!!!!
>>>
>>> Soprano Sofege: do, re, mi, me, Me, Me, Me, Me, Not You, ME!!
>>>
>>> Q: What's the perfect weight of a conductor?
>>> A: Three and one-half pounds, including the urn.
>>>
>>> Q: What do all great conductors have in common?
>>> A: They're all dead.
>>>
>>> Q: What's the definition of optimism?
>>> A: A bass trombonist with a DOUBLE trigger attachment AND a beeper.
>>>
>>> Q: What do you do if you run over a bass player?
>>> A: Back up and make SURE.
>>>
>>> Q: How do you reduce wind-drag on a trombonist's car?
>>> A: Take the Domino's Pizza sign off the roof
>>>
>>> Q: How do you get a clarinetist out of a tree?
>>> A: Yell "don't do it!" and hurry to cut the rope.
>>>
>>> Q: What do you throw a drowning bass player?
>>> A: His amp.
>>>
>>> Q: How do you get a three piece horn section to play in tune?
>>> A: Shoot two of them.
>>>
>>> Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band? OR a conductor and 
>>> an
>>> orchestra?
>>> A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
>>>
>>> Q: How many vocalists does it take to screw in a bulb?
>>> A: None. They hold the bulb over their head and pretend the world
>>> revolves
>>> around them.
>>>
>>> Q: How many drummers does it take to screw in a bulb?
>>> A: None, they have machines for that now.
>>>
>>> Q: How can you tell if the stage is level?
>>> A: The drool comes out of both sides of the drummers mouth.
>>>
>>> Q: How do you get a trombonist off of your porch?
>>> A: Pay him for the pizza.
>>>
>>> Q: What do you call a musician with a college degree?
>>> A: Night manager at McDonalds.
>>>
>>> Q: Why are violas larger than violins?
>>> A: They aren't. Violists heads are smaller.
>>>
>>> Q: How are trumpet players like pirates?
>>> A: They're both commit murder on the high Cs.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Bud Black
>>>
>>> -------Original Message-------
>>>
>>> From: Steve Barbone
>>> Date: 5/26/2007 11:40:33 AM
>>> To: tradjazz at list.okom.com
>>> Subject: Re: [Tradjazz] Tradjazz Digest, Vol 10, Issue 10
>>>
>>> "bill" <sylvia1 at ptd.net> wrote
>>>
>>> > Hi Folks,
>>> >
>>> > I'm a newbie, trying to finally understand the nuances of some of your
>>> > (PLURAL) cracks/ jokes "disses" among the Trad Jazz musicians
>>> > concerning
>>> the
>>> > "B- - - busting that goes on and apparently has gone on over the ages.
>>> > I
>>> play
>>> > nothing, but used to.... in junior HS...I have, during the past 4
>>> > years,
>>> been
>>> > exposed to some of the very good people involved in this genre and
>>> sometimes
>>> > haven't "gotten the jokes".  Please humor me, I'm not stupid, but I
>> didn't
>>> to
>>> > realize that apparently, any banjo player or  a lengthy drum solo 
>>> > seems
>> to
>>> be
>>> > the easiest and most prevalent targets.  I wanna get all of the jokes.
>> I
>>> > heard recently, that a sop sax was called a fish horn.  Bill Taggart
>>> explained
>>> > that insult to me.  I want to fit in and not just laugh to be polite.
>>> Would
>>> > all of you(some of you) (any of you) (1 of you) (my mother) please
>>> > teach
>>> me or
>>> > give me a few stories about this subject.  I really haven't heard 
>>> > about
>>> > insults  to  brass  players or piano players... Please treat me (as I
>> am)
>>> as
>>> > if I know none of these jokes or "chop busting among the pro's".
>> Thanks.
>>> >
>>> > I really cant wait to hear your stories.
>>> >
>>> >
>>> > Rookie, but love it.
>>> >
>>> > Grant
>>>
>>> Lots of great stories out there. A couple I like involve long solos.
>>>
>>> >From Charlie Parker: "If you take more than 4 choruses, you're just
>>> practicing."
>>>
>>> >From Miles Davis to John Coltrane when Trane said: "I don't know how to
>> end
>>> my solos." (Trane being known to take very long solos)
>>>
>>> "Just take the f***ing horn out of your mouth."
>>>
>>> Another is the continuing story about why trumpet players are a little
>>> crazy. "Because the back pressure of blowing through that little
>> mouthpiece
>>> raises hell with their brains."
>>>
>>> Another is the nickname for trombone; "Slush Pump".
>>>
>>> I think put downs are a form of camaraderie among jazz musicians. Some
>>> tongue in cheek, some biting.
>>>
>>> Cheers,
>>> Steve Barbone
>>>
>>>
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>>
>>
>>
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>
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